Deviant Rambling

In my opening research of the gigs available to entry-level writers, I am noticing recurring themes. For blog writing, it is all about making sure to cleverly disguise all of the keywords the client needs in their posts. They are telling you what to write, but not how to write it.

Since these are, albeit low, paying gigs, it is writing for money. But I see this as shady or disingenuous for some reason.

The irony is not lost on me here.

I am trying to make a living getting paid for the words I choose and the order I place them in. If someone else tells me the words and anything about the order, I see it as somehow less valid. This is a ridiculous stance to take, as it sets me up for failure. It makes it hard, if not impossible, to distinguish between the two types of writing, and I cheapen both of them in my mind. Then I convince myself that my original pieces will be to achieve the same, hollow goals. If I can effectively convince myself of this made up fact, I stop writing entirely and part of me dies, death of a thousand cuts style.

It is incredibly easy to get into your own head about what you put out into the world, create arguments for why it should never see the light of day, and perform a conceptual abortion. It’s a good deal harder to be completely vulnerable and release what aches to be out of you.

I push myself further every day to find the courage to be completely vulnerable.

Since my dad passed away in February, I’ve been writing a fictionalized version of the events he had to live through. I wasn’t able to occupy his mind or body during the two months he was in the hospital. This much is obvious. But it is my intention to give him a proper eulogy through this story.

I will write everything I know to be true about who dad was and do my very best to write it from his point of view, in his voice. It will be a short story since it only comprises of two real months of time, but it will have all I can give to the loss.

Honoring dad is important to me. Honoring him in my way would have been important to him.

In my search for writing gigs, a problem of conscience comes up.

If I start writing content aimed at directing traffic and adding eyeballs to sales material, am I a part of the problem? Does my contribution to this meaningless traffic undercut any inherent value my writing has in the future? Or do I just accept this is a rite of passage to do what I want to do? Is there any way of knowing the real cost to my integrity after I’ve released the posts to the world?

It’s entirely possible I’m overthinking this to sabotage myself. Something about the work I’m applying for feels cheap, but the work I’d go do in real life is somehow even cheaper. Getting a regular, 9-5 grind job would provide nothing of value to the world AND it would make me hate my life. Writing content, even meaningless content, lets me do what I love and get paid for it. It feels as though the art is in being able to separate the feelings the cheapness causes, and transmuting those feelings into something beautiful.

This space will remain dedicated to transmutation. If my creative soul is on the line, I’ll go down swinging.

Since I’ve decided to pursue my future in writing, it occurs to me how little I know. Thankfully I enjoy researching. I believe we are always better off for having learned new things and this is no exception.

As with so many potential directions, it can be hard to know where to begin. Since I am pursuing gigs in the digital space, I consistently see information regarding SEO. The birds-eye view of the concept is just to get specific words into your content to better rank you in search results. Better placement in results means more traffic. This seems like a relevant strategy from a bystander’s point of view. I can count a handful of times where I got beyond the 2nd or 3rd page of search results and it was only because I wanted to learn every possible thing about a topic.

The first page results told me all I needed to know. Every page beyond that was a casualty of too much information.

The places I am applying to appear to be content farms who are aiming at optimizing their place in this pecking order. The blog posts will be targeted at targeting. The entire purpose of these posts will be to rank higher than the competition and as a result of the traffic, make more sales. What they are selling? Who knows. Most of the work will be ghostwritten, so my name won’t be attached to it. For better or worse, no one will know I was involved except me.

This does make it feel like the work is cheap or even meaningless, but I know this is part of the “hard work” in this field. I’m not afraid of hard work and at least I’m going to get paid for something I create. Chalk it up to necessary evil.

It is a fact that has been with me for most of my adult life that I pushed under the rug of practicality:

I am a writer.

This is what I am meant to be doing. It is what I am best at and it is truly fulfilling every time. It has a fair share of challenges and now that I am seeking work actively I have run into all kinds of new fresh hell. But I feel invigorated during the challenges. I don’t want to just say “This isn’t worth the effort.” because it is.

I have entered a trance today after I declared this to myself. Now I have to display the courage to declare it to the world, and I have started to take steps to do so. Courage is all about first steps, and declaration is the first step. I am a writer and I accept the challenge of staying true to myself through the process.

I forfeit a conventional life and the comfort and stability it might provide. What matters most is to create, improve, and share my gift with the world.

Authenticity isn’t cheap:
It’ll cost you friendships. It’ll cost you marriages. It’ll cost you extra time to explain even the most innocuous comment. It’ll cost you in very real world terms, financially. Starving artists are nothing, if not authentic.

The first duty is to be authentic to yourself. This may reveal that you’re lying to yourself to preserve order for the sake of not hurting anyone’s feelings. But this is the kind of persistent erosion that results in eventual depression. The short term sting of honesty in uncomfortable moments provides a long term path to the most happiness. Honesty is truly a shortcut to equanimity, and it’s a proven path of least resistance.

There is so much less to think about when you’re honest. A life freed from distraction is a more examined life. Presence will be far easier when pretense is a thing of the past.

I will be 100% honest about my opinions and worldview at all times. I do not edit out the rough edges because they make me who I am. This will come across as crass, unrefined at times, and borderline sociopathic at others.

I’ll do my best to bracket editorialized things but won’t promise consistency on this front because when I’m feeling the thread, I pull until it’s gone. It’s best to think of stream of consciousness as a raging river: looks cool from the shore but if you get in, you’re bound to get tossed on some rocks. This is my attempt to warn you that I’m not gonna clear the river bed of rocks, you’re in the river at your own risk.

…But also, come on in. The water’s fine.

Inflation seems to be chief among the headlines lately and I figured what better time to offer some tips to help.

Disclaimer: As with all free advice, it’s free for a reason. It may not be directly applicable to your life and situation. I don’t live your life, so it’d be problematic for me to shape the advice to try and fit a life I couldn’t possibly understand.

My first piece of advice is applicable to any person, and that’s to take stock of what is actually important to you. Look at your surroundings and evaluate what you own. Which of those items actually own you? Any television is an obvious culprit. Now recall how much was spent on any of these items and how much memorable time you got from them. You’re going to find out that you can’t recall how much things cost, when you bought them, or anything memorable surrounding them at all other than the dust they collect.

It’s fine, we all do it! But this tip is to raise your awareness when you are considering a purchase. Some day that item might be collecting dust so how much is that dust worth to you now. Dust is not appreciable, it’s evidence of absence.

Another, more obvious piece of advice is to monitor your spending habits around food. Every time you spend on convenience, you are paying a huge premium to someone else for the privilege. Learn how to cook and you’ll have two birds and a burgeoning rock collection. It’s the kind of skill set that can only make your life better, so do it.

You’ll also spend more time in one of the most important rooms in the home. Bedrooms are great but the kitchen is where the magic actually happens. Bonus points if you have someone close to share the joys of cooking.

A third piece of advice is to invest more of yourself into your relationships. It’s incredibly easy to get distracted and I’m borrowing some of your attention now to prove the point. If the time spent on this rabbit hole would be better used talking to someone about a pressing topic, do it now, not later.

Go on, my text will be here when you’re done. Tell the people you love them today, don’t put it off because there’s always more time. We all understand intrinsically that there isn’t always more time. All of this comes to an end and regret can only be passed on, not taken with.

The fourth point is one I have all but ignored this year as I have been slowly shedding the weight of 20+ years of a career that was someone else’s. Make time to get out and see the natural world, it’s practically (if not literally) free to do. This advice is becoming relevant again after months of ridiculous fuel prices cast doubts on even the shortest road trip. If you have the fortune of living in the U.S., you’re almost guaranteed to be a short, drivable distance from a national park. Any one of these parks can make a bucket list better, and you can pick up an annual pass and get several of them in at a time. You’ll have a collection of memories worth more than any gadget you’ve ever bought thinking it had happiness in it somewhere.

Now that I’ve invested in you, kind strangers, it’s time to get back to my long term investments. Daily dividends of joy can’t be beaten, but they take the best thing we all have to offer: presence.

Today’s word of the day from dictionary.com:

It’s a word I aspire to on a daily basis. It is the basis of this entire space. It’s a good one.

I want to write for a living. I want to obsess over words and their proper usage. This has no particular direction, I’m happy to write about almost anything. What I am not sure of is how to make money at this without also selling something of who I am.

Ads make me scowl and I feel like any amount of them in this space betrays the purpose of the space. As such, this site will always remain ad free. I am referring to the in-line types that are only successful with traffic and click-through, and are catered to whatever the person already wants. I’d feel complicit if my site sent them to spend money they might not have on something the didn’t need. That is an absolute non-starter so it’s out. (This is the simplest way to monetize but is also the one that makes me the sickest.)

Paid sponsorships are another option but you need a large audience and something you feel strongly enough to advertise for. Due to the lack of consumer motivations I have, I’m not a good candidate for this. I’ve had hobbies that this would have served, but my motivations would have been completely selfish. (Free shit to work on projects.)

Affiliate marketing is an option if you have a product or service that you believe in and would be willing to send your users through your affiliate link to pick whatever it is up. This is similar to traditional click-through ads to me, fundamentally. It feels more personal because you share the link through your name, so it’s associated with you. But that puts pressure on you for the performance of the affiliate’s product the same way ads do.

Is there any money to be had to teach people to just be themselves and pull zero punches? I’m not sure, but that’s the dream. Light fires under asses to get people to their best life. A foul-mouthed coach who refuses to let people settle for less than they are worth. That would be me. Maybe it’s as simple as that? (As impossible as that actually sounds.)