Deviant Rambling

Life on this side of the employment grind has far fewer headaches but there are still necessities that require attending to. My working career was in a business that was completely dependent upon the cooperation of the weather and that made us all accustomed to the “feast or famine” mentality.

I always likened this to being in over your head in some body of water. Drown, gasp for air, rinse, repeat. The drowning causes all kinds of stupid behavior money-wise and has long lasting effects. That’s if it doesn’t just kill you outright, of course. The phrase “scared money don’t make money” applies here. If you’re worried about making a payroll every week just to stay afloat, you’ll do stupid things to make sure it gets covered.

In my postmortem inspection of the business it was apparent that we played this game all the time, and it never really improved. It changed appearance over the years but the bad behavior was underneath it all the whole time. Now that I’m free of all of the business burdens, I have to make sure that the bad behavior isn’t anywhere in me personally. This would make me a problem for anyone near and dear to me.

I’m in the process of shoring up debts used to fund this expensive hobby, and once the debts are paid, closing the accounts. I have found myself disillusioned by the lose-lose game of maintaining a credit score once again. I looked at one of my statements and at the minimum payment it will take me 35 years to pay off. This jarred me out of my complacency to drastic action, but that is what is required to change.

All of this struggle in the name of a business that would have taken my life too. No thanks, I’ll be getting off this ride now.

An idea has cropped up about starting yet another blog, this one will be about intentional living. The overarching themes of this year have brought what is important to the front and center.

Since this is a concept near and dear to my heart, it will be easy for me to write about. For once, in all of my years writing, I have found something that I would be happy to try and monetize. I will sell something I believe in: experience. It is hard to fight the gut response to selling anything but I do honestly believe that experiences are one of the only things worth trading your time and money for.

This space is still going to exist as an outlet for my stream of consciousness. Every time I write something here, I feel better for having done so. This catharsis keeps the site relevant to me.

Have a look at the haul above. This is the entirety of my brother’s estate before the debts are accounted for. After the debts are discharged because there is nowhere to get them paid, this pile of change is all that’s left.

I’m not saying that I will leave much of anything for the world to deal with in my wake. If it were a pile of change and no debt, cool, but I’ll be dead either way.

My point is a simple one: I will leave written instructions on what should be done. There will be very little to speak of possession-wise and I have advised that whoever handles it use their discretion. My things will not be a burden to anyone. If it doesn’t immediately make sense to keep, get rid of it.

No one should die and leave this kind of chaos in their wake and I certainly won’t.

Labor day today and there is a touch of fall in the air. Although I look forward to fall, the cooler weather, the changing trees, I know winter is gonna be here all too soon.

This is meant to be a day off for people who work for a living but for the rest of us, it’s just another Monday. I’m using the peace and quiet to attend to some household tasks.

Not feeling especially creative today but I am hardly feeling anything.

Grief seems to be the theme for 2022 in my family. (What’s left of us.)

When dad died, I could safely say that given how closely we worked together every day, nothing was left unsaid. Closure was swift and I could get to the business at hand. I knew him as well as anyone, save for mom. The knowledge about who he was gave me all the strength I needed to attend to the affairs. He was gone, but I had his strength to carry on.

When my brother died, I could safely say that there was nothing left to say. We’ve exhausted all of the “should have” and “could have” conversations. Closure was something I had 20 years ago when I saw much of his life was going to be a foregone conclusion. This isn’t a conclusion that others can come to easily, but they didn’t have to be a party to his fall. The best lessons I learned because of him were all what not to do, and what the attendant consequences look like. I am grateful that his burning out could light a fire or two within me to be proactive.

It’s a mess of a year but the sun still rises and falls every day. I still have a life in front of me and boundless freedom to do as I see fit. There is work to do but I have both of these men’s strength to bolster me.

I’ve been in a funk the past couple of days. The reality of money has come back to be an issue. If it weren’t for the debt I took on in the name of the business, I might have more empty space in my mind to occupy with positive things.

But there in the background, it lurks. When I start to feel like I’ve gained on it and can put it out of my mind, it rears up. Fighting the presence only seems to give it more weapons so I surrender. This can toss me headlong into sadness. All of the “should have” and “could have” arguments surface but are meaningless after the fact.

I never should have leveraged my personal credit against a business’s debt. Now I am the only one who can take care of the problem that should have never existed in the first place. This brings up feelings of resentment toward others but the feelings are misguided. I must accept responsibility and find my way out of the rut I am in.

Less thinking, more breathing.

I just submitted my first article for pay ever. It is a test run to see if I will be a good fit for a place but I’ll be paid for it regardless.

It is exciting to know that I will be paid just to write. The content was very cookie-cutter (pun intended) but I suspect much of what I am asked to write will be.

No matter what, it gives me the excuse to write more, not that I needed an excuse.

Just passed an article on my phone news feed and it was about an influencer of some sort giving away an RV. It will almost certainly garner the person good will and all of the appropriate back-patting and atta-girls. Also, she’ll get paid for it. Potentially more than the RV was worth, just for doing it.

It will be a successful stunt because people like to believe in, and reward, outlandish versions of altruism like this. It’s a quid pro quo situation, though. She is being generous, sure. But like so many acts of generosity, it will be rewarding. This is an unavoidable fact in this age of instant communication to millions of followers. If even one of her followers makes a purchase decision based on the brand/type of RV that was given away, she made a company 10s of thousands of dollars. If someone was already going to make this purchase anyway, and just needed a nudge, this could have done the trick.

She’ll get paid for giving something away, but that is how commerce works.

I hope to give my time and believe that it is the only thing of value I have to give. That is easy to say and near impossible to accomplish. Time is rather large boulder but I’ve got it in abundance and I don’t mind climbing hills.

In the midst of the whirlwind of loss we have experienced this year, there has been practically no time to grieve. The year started insane and seems to show no signs of slowing in that regard.

Thankfully, the disaster that my brother left behind will not be ours to deal with. There was no estate planning done so we can refuse to be involved. We are simple people and have limited means. Any involvement will cost us more than it will ever be worth, and take even more time away that could be better spent healing.

If I never have to deal with a meth head again, it’ll be a good life. Fingers crossed.

Dealing with a death in the family is never an easy scenario. Now add a meth-lab and all of the associated derelict filth. Then throw away every idea you might have because none of them are even close to how insane this place is.

This property issue can not be handed over to the bank soon enough. It wasn’t insured for anything (naturally) and it is theirs. They are going to get burned on this mortgage but that’s their fault for lending it to someone so stupid and reckless. A credit score, a pulse, and a 5% down payment that was handed to a person does not make for an ideal borrower. I actually love the bank that issued the loan but it was stupid on steroids.

I can’t be done with this bullshit soon enough.

TRA-LA-LA-LA-LA!