Near the bottom.

Today I felt myself nearing the bottom of how I can feel about my place in the world. The facts of this year and what remains to be resolved have taken a toll on me.

Because of my sense of loyalty and duty, I have spent most of this year filling a hole and I’m just so tired. The common phrase “something’s gotta give” feels appropriate, and I am the something this time.

It’s all such a pedestrian concern though. It’s just debt, like I’ve spent years smashing. But those years have been brutal. They’ve left me questioning my sanity at times like this. Why is this time any different?

Because this time, I’ve lost people and all I have to show for it is debt caused by a business that I want to be done forever. Debt that is mine alone now, personally. If only I could disrupt everything I know about myself and work nonstop, I could pay it off.

Today I accept the fact that I must pull out all of the stops to eliminate this debt before it eliminates the parts of me that I actually believe in.

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