A year later.

One year ago on this day I woke up feeling like complete shit. Another day and night spent drinking to avoid the reality of hating my work. This was the day that broke me of both habits for good.

From that day forward, I started to constantly question what role my work played in my life. I connected drinking to my need to escape from the occupational dread I experienced every day. All drinking did was exacerbate the dread. What used to be a numb and warm glow only served to highlight what I already knew.

On December 2, 2021, I stopped drinking cold turkey. I also stopped allowing work to have such a stranglehold over my every thought and feeling. A couple weeks after this epiphany, dad was laid low and never got back up. It was when this happened that I knew I’d never drink again.

Despite witnessing the collapse and eventual passing of my father, I never experienced one urge to pick up the bottle. This event had the opposite effect. I am still surprised to this day that I never even experienced the urge.

Though I stopped drinking, I am still experiencing the existential hangover that my business and work life caused. Those are habits that are built on decades of conditioning and will not easily go away.

This does leave me feeling aimless at times. The work I did was the worst, but it kept me focused on tasks so I couldn’t take any opportunity to examine if I was happy or not. I wasn’t then, and I’d say that now I’m just not satisfied. I am infinitely happier than I was when the business operated, but now I need to discover what I am meant to do in this life, 40 years into it.

As always, I know I’ll find my way. My intuition has seldom failed me. The world is rife with possibilities and the only true limitations I have are self-imposed. My gut was right to stop drinking and trying to be something I’m not. Now I just need to listen to see if it’s telling me what I should be.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *