Deviant Rambling

Years of issues with my gallbladder led up to the decision to get it removed on May 1st, 2023, just a few days ago. Now that I have found my way out of the persistent fog of general anesthesia and past loads of post-operative soreness, I feel I can make some observations.

1.) I was concerned that I would wake up to a new zipper due to my past surgical history. This concern was one I carried between the consultation appointment and the day of my surgery. It was only after waking up and hearing that everything went as planned that the concern was gone.

2.) Laparoscopic surgery is a truly unbelievable development of modern medicine. I know it has been around for a long time but this was the first time I’ve ever had one done and it’s incredible. I had an organ removed 3 days ago and I’m not drugged up and recovering at the hospital still. I was home about 3 hours after I arrived at the hospital and I’ve had zero noteworthy issues.

3.) Opioids just make me sad and sleepy. Post-operative pain is the kind of that warrants this kind of medication and I’m glad it exists, but I was happy that I could stop using it today. I’ve switched to acetaminophen and ibuprofen and that seems to be doing the trick just fine. This is another nod to laparoscopic procedures, because if I had an open surgery, I’d have potentially had to take those drugs longer. No thanks.

4.) Food doesn’t concern me nearly as much now. I spent years being nervous eating anything even remotely fatty because my gallbladder might decide to put me down for days at a time. I know that the surgical soreness I am experiencing is worth it for the peace of mind knowing that useless (to me) organ can’t do that to me any more.

5.) The changes in food habits were largely beneficial to my overall wellness and I intend to maintain many of the changes I have implemented. If I avoid overdoing it on foods that would piss off my gallbladder, I won’t gain a bunch of weight or feel like garbage in general. Quitting drinking was a big deal too, but the damage had already been done from that.

6.) I have had more surgeries than most people ever will and it’s strange to consider this fact. My surgical history started when I was 1 year old and that is insane to be able to live this long and report on it. I know I’m lucky for how things have panned out.

7.) It’s probably too early to say I have a clean bill of health, but this was a big step in the right direction. I see this procedure as a crucial part of the process of determining where my overall health is and addressing reality as it is. Once I have recovered I intend to get blood tests to determine if my liver function has returned to normal. Better safe than sorry.

8.) My gallbladder was actively failing when it was removed. The surgical notes taken specifically noted the “markedly enlarged” appearance of my gallbladder, as well as the presence of multiple stones. I needed validation that I wasn’t imagining things and this was confirmation for me. When you get convinced you have a condition, you start looking for evidence to confirm your diagnosis, no matter how ill-informed it may be. I knew what I was feeling, where it was, and had enough diagnostic information to know I wanted to be done thinking about it.

9.) Previous open abdominal surgery caused what are referred to as adhesions, areas where the healing process created scar tissue attached at all kinds of points on the inside. These points of attachment become obstacles to be removed and navigated during surgery and I had several apparently.

10.) I also had (have) multiple incisional hernias from previous surgeries and may need to have them remediated at some point with a follow-up surgery and the installation of a hernia mesh. I suspect we will discuss this at my surgical follow-up, but the prognosis isn’t all that bad for these, so I’m not too worried about them.

I am still in the process of learning things about myself, surgery, and where the two collide, but this was an overwhelmingly positive experience. I can’t recommend it enough if you need it, night and day feelings shift.

I have had some fairly significant health issues over the years and one of them in 2011 not only killed me but put me on a medicine indefinitely that a person shouldn’t stay on for years. I never bothered to look into the long term side effects of this medicine (Omeprazole) because I trusted the judgment of my doctors. They asked if everything was going well, I said yes, they said great, stay on it.

So I did. For about 12 years.

Now other things are going wrong and I figured what is the harm in looking up side effects, right? So I did, and I’m glad.

Turns out, this drug can cause kidney issues, liver issues, and bone density issues when you get older. The first two are because your body metabolizes it there, and the other one is because it depletes your body of what it needs to maintain bone density. These are the sort of things I’d like to have known a long time ago, but I’m honestly not sure what would have been any different. They might have tried a different medication or five and the end results could have been identical.

I have stopped taking the drug and am experiencing some rebound symptoms but I suspected this would happen as my body adjusts. It’s unpleasant but not “organ failure” unpleasant.

The inevitable failure and subsequent removal of my gallbladder next week may have been as a result of this medication but only in a roundabout way. The medicine itself didn’t cause the failure, but the additional stress on the adjacent organs might have contributed. This is another thing I have no way of knowing for sure. I am glad that after years of this useless organ failing to do its job it is being removed.

I will no longer need to live in fear that what I eat may cripple me for days at a time or actually threaten my life. It’s no way to live.

It’s April 20 and we all know what that means…

Alright to some of us it is just another Thursday. Of all the roads I have gone down, for some reason, that’s never been one of them. I think I just know myself well enough to know that it isn’t my style. It’s been a near constant presence in my life since I can remember, but it’s way less taboo than it used to be. Because the prohibition never should have existed in the first place.

One sect of Republicans got a hard-on for this never-ending, losing battle against drugs and the rest is history. Mistakes were made on both sides, but the same party that ended slavery sure didn’t have a problem imprisoning a disproportionately darker shade of humanity when it comes to petty drug offenses. It’s hard for anyone to say the drug affects everyone equally with a straight face because it’s obviously bullshit. Not for nothing, but it isn’t a drug, it’s a plant that happens to be psychoactive.

Dad would have made at least a couple jokes about the national holiday today and was an enthusiastic participant every year, what with his being a daily consumer and all. It was always a part of his routine and it was more benefit than harm, though I confess my evidence is purely subjective. It relaxed him but it wasn’t strong enough to take away the stress enough to keep him alive. I’m not sure anything could have done that.

My brother would have spent the entire day bright-tailed and bushy-eyed, but this was every day for him. He’d have just been more loud about it on this date.

Meanwhile, many of us that are still here wonder why such a ridiculous, archaic law still exists on a national scale. Somehow alcohol remains legal, abundant, and perhaps unsurprisingly, profitable, and it is verifiable poison.

Leave it to us to know what will kill us best and make it a god.

I have a couple of writing projects that I need to work on and I have exactly zero motivation to do either of them. Today is one of those days where I have no motivation whatsoever and I’m looking high and low for some kind of catalyst to get me going.

I’m still a little tired from a trip to the airport to pick up a friend and deliver him home since we didn’t get home until after 1:00 in the morning so I’ll chalk some of it up to that. There’s also an underpinning of general sluggishness that I can’t seem to get rid of, though.

Going to go to the doctor tomorrow for a general checkup and to see how everything is going since I have insurance. Going to use it while I can.

I’m starting to become a boring old man, I think.

I spent several hours outside yesterday afternoon in the sunshine working on getting rid of some trash around the property. It felt great to be able to be outside in just a t-shirt and not have the wind cut through me. This just serves as a reminder that spring actually has started, although it goes back and forth between seasons this time of year.

There are still chances of snow flurries a couple times this week but the overall trend is in the right direction. Being able to go outside and enjoy myself yesterday has me hopeful that there will be many more of these days to come.

We have been locked away inside for what feels like months because it has literally been that long. Winter has a way of battering us all into submission.

Now that things are heading toward warmth for good for the year, I’ve shortlisted a couple of improvement projects around the shop. Most of it takes money so I’ll be putting in some work to fund these projects but they will make the building better in the long haul and I’ve got the time to do them myself. Never hurts to learn some new skills, anyway.

We have officially moved ourselves back to the country. There is an incredible sense of relief that it is done now but I know there is still loads of work to make it ours.

Being back takes away the near-constant buzz of living in a city, and there is no overstating how amazing that feels. It is so quiet out here, save for the highway noise in the distance, a small hum when especially loud trucks pass.

There is also the matter of getting the home in the city ready for sale and that will still take a couple weekends but we have the time and are motivated to get it done.

Everything is moving the direction it should and in due time, we’ll be settled.

Today would have been my brother’s 44th birthday. Yes indeed, he was a St. Patrick’s baby in 1979.

He embodied the luck of the Irish, which is always said in jest as a kind of backhanded compliment. He’d have kept up with any local legend on the Emerald Isle and drank with them under any table they’d like. He woke up to drink, used it to get through the day, and went to bed every day with it. It’s a large part of the reason he’s not around to talk about it.

Josh was nothing if not interesting. Since I don’t drink any more, I’ll let everyone else raise their glasses in his honor. They’ll be unironically toasting with the thing that probably killed him. It helps people mourn, remember, numb themselves, and eventually move on.

Alcohol’s a proper painkiller: effective at small doses, better at medium doses, and large doses will kill you. The side effects are endless and the addiction potential is top 5. It’s the drug we’ve all agreed should stay legal since that silly war started in 1970.

I digress as I am want to do…

We’ll miss you and forever be vexed by your descent into madness and death. You could have stuck around longer, but have it your way, dead king.

The recent bank closures that have shocked the markets and given everyone harrowing reminders of the 2008(ish) global crash have me hoping for a full crash. I want the institutions to feel what we feel when failures occur, but I’m afraid it won’t happen.

There is already a discussion of shoring up the entire banking industry and I know damn well that the people will be the ones who end up paying for it. Even those of us who have opted to take no part in this game will have to deal with it in some fashion.

But if it just failed, the ones who should be held to account would finally feel the pressure that just exists on the wrong side of failure. I have zero faith that it will happen, and less than zero faith in the underlying institutions making decisions at the national level.

I’m out and have been for a while, but I’ll keep a steady supply of popcorn to watch the show.

Within a week, we’ll be moved back to the country and I find myself in a strange limbo. It is a holding pattern between this small chapter of life and everything that comes after.

There is a great anticipation hanging over every thought and feeling, and it makes me hopeful as I look forward. But there is still a lot to be done here, and that pulls me backward into all of the realities about selling a home. You have to make it as marketable as possible and try to put as little money into that as you can.

There isn’t much at stake for me but the prompt sale of the home takes a gigantic burden off the table for the person I love and that means I feel the pressure to present the best home possible. It is in a good neighborhood and the market is still pretty active so I don’t think we’ll have any problems, but until it is done, the pressure remains.

Gigantic silver lining, though. This time one week from now, we’ll be back in the country away from all of this and concentrating on all of the best things in life.

There are days as a writer where the words you’re searching for are nowhere to be found inside or out. You simply cannot force what you’re looking for out from the shadowy corners of your mind. Trying to do so pushes it all further into the recesses, completely out of reach.

Then the reality of doing this for a living places itself firmly on top of your lungs and pushes the air out of you. It is at this point you doubt your entire existence as a creative and want to punt and go get a normal, boring job.

But you know what you’re giving up if you concede in such a fashion.

Because for every instance where the words evade, there are just as many where the words come out full force and it’s as though you’re just writing on instinct. Every doubt in the world disappears when you are in this place. There is light everywhere and all of the corners can be easily seen.

Yesterday I couldn’t find what I was searching for, and today the words are everywhere and in everything. The feeling I have today is worth any amount of days searching for it in vain.