Deviant Rambling

On June 24, 2022, the Supreme Court of the United States overturned a decision that had been precedent for nearly 50 years. The moment it happened, I felt a complete shift in my basic beliefs about my country. I already had a low level of confidence but with one act, that confidence completely evaporated.

We have been heading the wrong direction for years but when Roe v. Wade was overturned, we found a new low. This is an insult to women. This is an insult to any rational human being. This is a giant step backwards for civil liberty. It begs the question: What’s next? Are we going to ban women from voting again? Are we going to make same sex marriage illegal again? Is contraception going to be criminalized in some way? Will we re-segregate? Before Jun 24, 2022, I’d have considered these ideas to be akin to conspiracy theory, but the moment that ink dried, I believe nothing is out of bounds now.

Seriously.

Who the hell are we as a nation now that we allowed this to happen? How have we allowed any part of our government to intervene in such a way? How is this issue any of their fucking business whatsoever? The questions are innumerable and unanswerable. We should all be in D.C. right now, refusing to be quiet. Refusing to fall for the dream we are all sold from early on in life, that this is the greatest country on earth and that we’re lucky to be a part of it. I’m calling bullshit.

It’s easy for someone like me, a white man, to be a part of it. But if you don’t happen to fall into that category, they’re coming for your rights and there is honestly no telling what will be next.

Taking the past few months off to evaluate my place in the world has given me ample opportunity to determine what money actually is to me. I have the traditional understanding of what it is meant to be used for hard wired and sufficiently tangled with my sense of self worth. This time has given me the chance to see this entanglement is unnecessary.

Like so many of us, I’ve given money entirely too much power over who I am and where perceived value lies. Now I am deliberately separating money the thing from value the concept and seeing that they have little to do with one another. Approaching 40 years of indoctrination as to what money is and it has become clear that I’ve spent my entire adult life being tricked into believing it matters when it doesn’t. This sets me up for an absolute truck load of worldly failure but I’ve done all of the thought experiments to see where the dust settles and it’s nothing that will kill me. In fact, down many of these roads, there is an overarching sense of peace. A tranquil stroll, free from the persistent drive to get more for the sake of it.

Balance has become a theme for what achievement looks like in my world. In order to find something approaching this balance, I first need to unload all of the traditional ways of thinking. This will take time but it is time I have and am willing to trade for the bargain.

Used some of my time this morning to trim mulberry trees that had grown out of control over the garage. It was overdue and I didn’t have much else going on first thing. It reminded me that just occupying your time is a useful exercise now and then.

This isn’t work I’d want to do for a living but it serves a purpose for the household and that makes the time spent valuable. There will be more project related time spent today and that time has value as well. It won’t make money but it’ll make the home a better place. Value applies to far more than money.

So long as I can continue to provide tangible value to those in my world, I am serving a purpose.

The time I find myself in is complicated, not only in terms of the adversities which have come this year to me personally, but the world at large. The mounting pressure of the economy is impossible to ignore. It seems everything is getting more expensive than it has ever been in my life.

I feel fortunate to have few needs because if I had been a completely different person, I’m not sure where the current state of the world would leave me. It’s hard to even begin this thought experiment because it dead ends quickly. I’m not sure I could have been anyone else, and I certainly wouldn’t have known if I was.

Life is good despite the state of the world outside.

Today was a day of zero ideas, creatively speaking. Obviously the mere fact that I sat to type this means I had at least one idea. It does make me ponder the “here today, gone tomorrow” nature of creativity. There are days, sometimes in large succession, which ideas just pour out. No matter what medium, out they come. I find it best to just listen and act as quickly as possible to record them.

Then there are the days of zero ideas, like today. I find myself feeling the need to push myself toward something just in the hopes that I stumble upon inspiration and catch fire for days. But I’m not sure if that is an entirely honest way to create. There aren’t really rules on these things so what does it ultimately matter? The concern I have is that any ideas which come from this kind of coerced creativity will ring hollow or of tedium.

In my experience, the creative impulses which lead to days of activity happen completely organically. One good idea gets my mind reeling for several days and I just try to make sure I have as much open space and media to apply the idea to.

It is most common for these outpourings to be words. Writing is my favorite form of expression. But as a consumer of creativity, I find myself with a much larger palate. It is nevertheless inspiring to see how others have been inspired in their own preferred forms. This pushes me to better understand my chosen craft and reach more toward competence, doing my best to avoid perfectionism.

Perfectionism is a curse that I don’t wish to inflict upon myself.

It is currently 90 degrees outside and not a lot lower in the house because utility costs are outrageous. A summer based cabin fever has set in over the past few days and it is making me antsy.

Just going on an errand of any sort is an exhausting ordeal. The air is thick, like swimming without the cool temperature. Yesterday it got to 100. And it’s not even technically summer yet, that’s 4 days away. Our seasons are changing and have in my lifetime. I feel like at this rate, in my lifetime, it will make this location unbearable. Everything else about this place tells me I don’t belong so that’ll just be one more thing.

I long for time behind then wheel. In the open plains, mountains, and deserts of the west. The road calls but reality is in stark contrast to this call. Pragmatism shoves idealism to the back, relegating it to the territory of dreams.

But I’m awake. Insofar as any of us can be awake. And I’m ready to roam.

For whatever reason I’ve gotten into watching documentaries about the various cults and cult-like organizations that have sprung up throughout the years. It fascinates me to see just how far off of center perfectly rational people can be pushed (or pulled depending on the cult).

This makes me want to learn more about all matters of faith and the approximate religiosity peddled by the less mainstream sects. There probably won’t be any mainstream documentaries released any time soon with regard to the huge denominations. This is just a longing for knowledge, even the kind I will find effectively useless. Always interesting to see how doctrine affects world view.

It’s something to do with a little time and it won’t hurt me to have new perspectives. Once I’ve learned all of them I’ll better be able to start my own cult.

Due to my perception that our world is out of balance, I frequently feel subversive. I want to see institutions crumble and those in charge of them have to gather the pieces and reassemble them in a manner that actually suits the common good. This is a novel concept when you feel like you live in a place that has a “None for all and all for none” mentality.

I want nothing more than to see our most accountable held to account. They chose the path, they shouldn’t be surprised when they have to walk it with the weight of constituency on their backs. But this isn’t aimed at either party of our particular form of representative democracy, because I don’t neatly fit into either category. I have views squarely on both sides of the Overton Window that put me at odds with all Moderates regardless of affiliation.

So what does that make me in the polling booth? Most of the time, a protest vote. If there was a Protest Party, I’d likely be able to run a successful campaign. Our system rewards conformity to known ideals, and to choosing sides. That won’t work for all of us.

How does a person vote when they believe in social programs but also think the government is completely reckless with money? Social Security is a crucial component for some of the most important people in my life. It’s not nearly enough given our historically high inflation, but without it, those people would be destitute and unable to do anything about it. Medicare is also an unbelievable godsend. Being able to stay alive and healthy shouldn’t cost as much as it does in our country. It’s insulting to anyone who can do math. All of this to also say that I know all social programs come at a cost to the average tax payer. So all of the open ended, no such thing as too many zeroes check writing is only gonna burn all of us out here and none of the ones signing the checks.

How does a person vote when they believe it’s none of the government’s business what a person does with their consciousness? This relates directly to my belief that the War on Drugs was one of the biggest debacles in the history of law. Alcohol, tobacco, and prescription poisons were left suspiciously off the controlled substances schedules. Would it be hard to follow the money on this one?

How does a person vote when they believe it’s none of the government’s business what a woman does with her body? There is no moral component in play for me with regard to the abortion conversation. The sanctity of life argument should have one gigantic asterisk placed next to it that says once a child is born, it better be able to take care of itself and pay a fair share of taxes because there’s no way it should get welfare. Pull yourself up by your tiny little bootstraps and get a job, loser.

How does a person vote when they support owning a gun but also think reform is about 150 years late? For fuck’s sake. How many kids have to get gunned down before sane policy is enacted? The level of liberty being taken with the wording of the 2nd is mind-boggling. Is it a discussion about mental health? Of course it is. But where is that concern when it comes to depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.? Do they even exist if they didn’t threaten your precious amendment? Of course they do, but you don’t give a shit about them in any other context.

You can buy an assault rifle the day you turn 18 and kill as many children. (Uvalde Texas shooting, 2022)
You can volunteer to kill as many foreign children as you like for your country at 18. (Every war we have been involved in since 1776)

But if you want to kill yourself with alcohol or tobacco, you’ll need to wait until you’re 21.

Who the fuck are we as a nation? Where are we headed here? And why do I feel like the only way balance will be restored is if it all gets burned down? I’m not the torching type but I do enjoy smores and I’ll be there when it burns.

I find myself wondering as of late if philosophy has a place in modern society. There used to be a premium on the open and honest discussion of our place in the world and universe but I wonder if that time hasn’t passed. As I’ve come of age during the 90s, 00s, 10s, and now even into the 20s, I’ve noticed society backsliding.

Just for context this is the observation of a person living in the Midwest of the United States who has never really known much in the way of struggle as it is universally understood. This bends my observation as any lens does, but it is not from lack of trying on my part. I’ve been to 49 of the 50 states (I’ll come see you when it is sane to travel again, Hawaii) and seen how each one functions and what kind of values they hold dear. We are a wildly diverse nation given our small size in terms of population. This is a fact we should be proud of and should foster.

But as I’ve seen in the aforementioned decades, the false ideal of American Exceptionalism has once again reared it’s ugly head. What is really on display is some form of spurious nationalism. The flag-waving, self-congratulating, celebratory masturbation kind of nationalism.

Phrases devoid of meaning and brimming with xenophobia such as the following:

“If you don’t like it here, get out.” – Typically muttered at someone such as myself. I’ve seen other countries, have you?
“America was founded as a Christian nation.” – This is just patently false. It was certainly founded BY quite a few Christians, though. The rich, white, slave owning kind.
“Support our troops.” – How long does this support last after they’ve returned from the foreign soil they were “defending” us from? Does your good will extend to the homeless veterans numbering somewhere around 40,000? Because your support seems desperately lacking for these particular troops. Do your cries of “too lazy to get a job” apply to them? This is a platitude that has grown to monstrous proportions. Lip service to one of our oldest and most sacred cows.
“We stand for the anthem.” – This is a meaningless argument. It’s a way to put people you disagree with into a neat category and apply a label to them.

Our political institutions were established to give us guidelines and be an approximation of right and moral action. These institutions have been ransacked by a lust for power and monetary wealth. This kind of unsavory activity used to be reserved to the fringes as the anomalous events that they were. Now it is completely in the open. It is, in some sense, more honest. Showing your true colors is in fashion, so long as they are red, white, and blue.

My diatribe is protected by the First Amendment. And if that offends you, don’t worry, I don’t believe the Second holds as much water as it’s been made to carry.

There arises a keen sense that I have much to reduce. Despite my best efforts, there is a great deal of mental clutter I trip over daily that I’d do well to remove. All of these longings for more need a good listen to see if they possess any merit or if they should be tossed aside.

I imagine myself to be a simple person, pursuing a simple life. But even this kind of pursuit is deceptively complicated. It seems that the more one tries to simplify, the more variables appear as new obstacles in the path. Defining what simplicity actually consists of may be useful so this is an attempt to do so.

Chief among my needs is to return to a state of freedom from debt. Everything in life gets easier when you don’t have this weight to carry at all times. I’ve been carrying this weight for over a year now and the underlying value behind it has figuratively and literally passed. Now it is just a hollow burden. It’s as though I’m carrying a giant empty safe: zero money inside but it’s still heavy as hell. The times I have spent free of this debt have been some of the lightest I’ve experienced and I need to return to them.

Work for the sake of working doesn’t interest me and it is hard to shake the understanding of how this will sound to anyone who matters to me. It’s going to make me sound like a lazy, entitled, child. But I am none of that. Given work that I see possesses merit, I am happy to do it. Time seems to fly with this kind of work. If work is solely for the sake of material gain beyond what is necessary, it is superfluous to me as a matter of course. I am not asking that anyone take care of me, and I accept responsibility for whatever sort of life this affords me. If my perceived needs change and more is required of me, then I’ll adjust my efforts according to those needs. Otherwise I will spend my time concerned with living a life in accordance with my values.

My relationships are few in number and this is in keeping with my desire for simplicity. Each relationship is complex, rich with nuance. Any relationship seen as passing or unnecessary is disregarded as quickly as is reasonable. I’ve no time to suffer fools, and I’ll let any fool in the way know so we can both make better use of our time.

As previously mentioned, I maintain few possessions and consistently audit my surroundings to make sure things stay this way. Peace of mind really does look like empty space in my surroundings. A simple collection of useful items and very little beyond what is necessary. The whole of my clothing wardrobe is hilariously simple and what might be termed utilitarian. Anyone with proper fashion sense would certainly label it as dull but it doesn’t even cross my mind as a concern. I treat my wardrobe as a uniform: one step to be completed without thought every day so I can move to more pressing concerns.

Even now as I try and wrap my mind around what simplicity is, the problem seems to grow in scale. Any attempt to grasp it seems futile. The irony of simplicity is how impossible it can seem to achieve.

Or maybe I’m overthinking things…