Deviant Rambling

I’ve been occupying my hands and therefore my mind lately with work refinishing doors. This has allowed me to figuratively paint myself into some corners and wrestle with my place in the world.

It’s a given but I’ll say it anyway, this conflict happens entirely within the confines of my headspace. But this can come out in the way I interact with the people I am around every day. It is more often than not in a less than desirable fashion. Frustration presents itself as silence but I’m already a fairly quiet person so this gives zero clues to onlookers.

Contentment evades me but it might be because I am so dead set on attaining it. In an attempt at objective observation of my surroundings, I see there is much to be content about. Still I get the feeling that some one thing will flip this switch that I rationally understand doesn’t exist. That’s a feeling which is nearly impossible to let go of. Subsequent attempts to extricate myself from this feeling have been futile.

I remain an optimist, smothered by the reality of a world I don’t really fit into.

In an attempt to define who I am and want to be, a problem of vocabulary arises.

Rather than just settle on a word, two or dozens, I lose myself in the idea of being any single thing. This isn’t who I am.

I am amorphous.
I am idiosyncratic.
I am iconoclastic.
I refuse to surrender to convention and will suffer the consequences for having done so.
I am resilient so I am never down for long.
I am a bastion for some and a bane to others;
I conduct myself the same for either audience.
I am nothing.
I am the dust.
I am the stars.

I am. I am. I am.

And for the things I am not, there is no room for ambiguity.

2022 started with a hefty dose of tragedy in February with the passing of my father. Ever since then I have been completely occupied cleaning up and closing down a business that I have been a part of since I left high school over 20 years ago.

Now that much of that work has been done, I’ve been allowing my inner creative to come out. There really is no time like the present to evaluate what I really want from life. What I learned from my recently past life is that I don’t have to compromise on what I want. What I couldn’t get from that life was a real sense of satisfaction and purpose. Now I will not settle until I get both of those things.

Evaluating who I am and want to be tells me there is incredible head room from where I currently stand as a person. All of these trains of thoughts come here to find rails. If they go rogue and fly off the rails, then it hurts nothing, it’s implied in the title.

Relationships have taken center stage in my life, chief among them my closest family and friends. Death makes priorities abundantly clear and I have never felt clearer on my motivations surrounding the people that I love.

It is an absolute priority for me to be of service to these humans in the ways that they need me. There is truly no better use of my time and in my estimation, anyone’s time, than to serve loved ones. The number of these people in my life is relatively low. This makes the proposition a true no-brainer!

It has been in keeping with who I am and have always been to keep this number low. I would prefer a few life long friends over a huge circle of acquaintances and the few I have chosen are exactly the same way.

I confess that almost everyone in the circle is firmly in my own echo chamber. We share worlds of common ground ideologically speaking. Fundamentally we are kin. That makes the service to one another as natural as though we were blood relatives. It is one area of life where I am almost embarrassed by my abundance. My luck is truly immeasurable to know these people.

This gives me pause to reflect on what life would be like should they all be taken away through some unforeseen circumstances. *poof* they’re all gone. Then comes the doubts that I would ever happen to run into these kinds of people again organically. It instantly makes me appreciative that I have all of them. It is at this moment I will give my time to them to remind them. Nothing is more important.

When absence is a possibility, we must address our abundances and give them proper thanks.

It occurs to me that my uncategorized writing has started to bleed over into my topic-specific websites. Most of my philosophical and creative writing endeavors need their own space and this is that space. I owned and operated this domain years ago and decided to check and see if it was still a thing and I was able to scoop it back up. (Probably because it was my idea and no one landed on the same idea.)

This will be my place for stream of consciousness. When it occurs and seems applicable, I’ll post it on here. In some since it will be a glimpse inside the chaos of one mind, the one who typed this message.

Hope to share something meaningful and make an impact in the one life I have to live.