Deviant Rambling

  • You’ve probably heard of it.

    I did the anti-hipster thing and got COVID-19 when it wasn’t cool any more. It hasn’t been too bad, but I’m aware how lucky I am that it didn’t go another way. That time in our history almost feels like it didn’t happen, but I know it did.

    Like many times in the past, I chose to fight this little bit of sickness the way that works for me: engaging in manual labor and almost dying. There was a driveway that needed graded at the home and I didn’t want to bring a dump truck in and put two foot ruts in the ground so I did it all by hand. Three loads in a full size pickup truck bed and several hours of backbreaking labor later, and we have a driveway that no longer holds water.

    As with the times in the past when I utilized this approach, I barely remembered that I was sick until I stopped working for the day. Then all of the soreness of the work came rushing in and replaced any symptom soreness I may have been experiencing. It is a way to muddy the waters of consciousness and pass the time.

    Now it is on to the next task to keep moving forward to get back to the country. I am between writing tasks so it is as good a time as any to get some things done.

    March 8, 2023
  • Hey winter…

    Get fucked. I thought we talked about this.

    On the first day of March it was in the high 50s and sunny. Two days later we got hit by a snowstorm and since it was borderline temperature wise, the snow was super heavy, wet, and actively melting. It’s a sloppy mess that will take a few days to clear up.

    Seriously, I hate this place. I do love complaining though: from the comforts of my first world accommodations, on a keyboard of a modern laptop, through the wizardry that is modern connectivity.

    March 4, 2023
  • They drive by.

    I’ve moved my modest little writing table near a window where I can see the traffic pass by for the remainder of our stay in this small city.

    Every day as I sit and contemplate more serious matters, I see people in little snapshots of their lives and wonder what concerns them. Not that I intend to take on their concerns, I just wonder what it looks like to other people.

    There are people who seem oblivious to everything and entirely too concerned with how they appear to others, and they are hilarious to see. Their entire identity is plastered across the vehicles they drive, and is often the vehicle itself. It’s proof of how confused we are as a society, that we allow our possessions to define us in such a fashion.

    I will miss the humor in seeing people peacocking because they define themselves with external factors. I won’t miss the contempt I feel every time I see the tailfeathers.

    March 1, 2023
  • Closer still.

    Moved a car load full of stuff to our country place and now it’s down to the nitty gritty as far as what is left to move. We have enough in the home to be able to live here but not much more.

    We will be moving ourselves within the next couple of weeks and I am thrilled to be getting out of this town. I need the peace of mind that the country gives me, and I won’t have it until we have moved.

    I have been making this the whole of my being at the cost of my creativity. Once we move, I’ll be able to do what I want, whenever I want, and see where that creativity takes me. Knowing I have a list of tasks to complete before that makes the sense of urgency to get them done that much more pressing.

    One foot in front of the other, so to speak, onward.

    February 27, 2023
  • The specter of mental health.

    I have spent a little over 4 months living with a person who was experiencing a very active mental health decline and it reminds me to attend to my own needs. Only now, after it is no longer a daily issue to be wrestled with, can I even begin to unpack what I witnessed.

    This was not the garden variety seasonal depression we all get around here, it was something I’ve never been a party to, and it was unsettling. Dementia is close to describing it, but I have none of the qualifications to say for sure that is what it was.

    In any matter, it ended abruptly. It is a relief to be free of it, but now I can begin to feel compassion for the person so afflicted. The truth is, in the heat of it, I just wanted to be done dealing with it, because I am not trained to, and it wasn’t my responsibility. Without this time and distance from the person, I’m not sure I’d have ever found anything approaching compassion, just all of the scorn in the world.

    It was a lot and it will probably take as many months to be free of all of the feelings but I’ve started to try and let them all go.

    February 20, 2023
  • How did I dodge all those bullets?

    My brain decided that I’d be waking up this morning at around 4:00 so I’ve put the time to good use working on some things. I’ve also spent some of the time reflecting on how miraculous it is I didn’t ever go to jail or get killed when I drank.

    I seriously have no idea how I managed to dodge so many bullets over those years. I drank a small lake worth of poison and spent an unreasonable amount of time behind the wheel thusly inebriated. To be clear, any amount of time at the wheel drunk is too much, but it was a lot.

    Seriously. Where did this dumb luck come from? At least I learned my lesson without the jail time or death sentence, I guess.

    February 15, 2023
  • A year on.

    One year ago on this date, we lost dad. After an all too brief battle with an unseen enemy, he succumbed to his wounds. Proof that even our heroes must die.

    What followed was still a blurry series of events to this day. I can scarcely recall individual days from the months following his passing, but there are moments here and there that stand out clearer than others. More than anything I remember having an unnatural amount of composure and resolve in the face of this personal tragedy.

    When dad passed, I believe he imparted these qualities to me permanently so that I could bear the torch he carried all those years. Now it is my responsibility to light the way for everyone who matters to me, as he had done his entire life for us. This is the single most important responsibility I have ever accepted and I do so with love and an enthusiastic willingness.

    The truth is, I have no idea what the future holds. I have never been scared of this fact, because I know none of it is guaranteed. That means there is nothing to fret over. All I can do is give myself completely to those who need me, and the rest will work itself out.

    “It’ll be alright.” – Timothy Ross Wagoner – 9/19/1956 – 2/9/2022.

    February 9, 2023
  • Easy to forget.

    Being in this city makes it easy to forget the feelings being in the country provides.

    We went down with a truck full of items to move and upon arrival, I could feel a sense of peace and possibility rush over me. After 40 years of running laps around the sun, I am finally beginning to understand what home feels like. It is just an all-encompassing sense of equanimity.

    Although I have called South Bend home for a year and a half, I’ve never really meant it. This is just where I currently live. There are no feelings of home here, it’s an obstacle to be dealt with.

    Now that we have begun moving things, I know the feelings that only home can provide will be more frequent. At least twice a week, I’ll get another little taste of that good life that we’re after.

    Before we know it, we’ll be out of here. I find this notion exciting. It gets me through the cloudiest, coldest days.

    February 6, 2023
  • Slowly, surely.

    We’ve started to move things to our near-future country location and I feel a sense of excitement that we are on our way. In order to make the overall move easier, we have opted to take a trip once a week with a few packed up items. The home we’re moving to has plenty of corners to tuck things away in, and there isn’t really all that much to move anyway.

    I have the great fortune of being with someone who doesn’t care much for material possessions either. She does naturally know how to bring comfort to a place through furniture and décor choices, which I certainly appreciate. Were it not for her, I’d be in a room with nothing on the walls or floors. I am primarily concerned with function and form follows far after, sometimes not at all.

    Life gets better every day, and soon, I’ll be back at peace in a way I haven’t been in a while.

    February 3, 2023
  • The Shop

    In or around 1988, dad acquired a parcel of land from his folks. At this time, he built the first shop that his business, Wagoner & Sons Concrete, would ever own. Before this time, the company had rented shop space from one of the local landlords/business owners in town.

    What started as a humble, in-ground warehouse space became the center of the universe for the business and the family. This was quickly followed up in 1991 with the construction of a brand new home, and life as we all knew it had begun in earnest.

    Although I was just a child when this all started, I have since seen the inevitable expansion and contraction of what dad envisioned. Throughout the years, as our needs progressed, so too, did our usage of this space. No one may have known it by looking at him, but dad was a pack rat of sorts. Beneath this stoic exterior and quiet composure were a man who saw the need to save every little nut and bolt, just in case.

    Upon the occasion of dad’s passing in February of 2022, I began to work my way through the piles of accumulated items. Every little piece of “just in case” added up to months of working alone in this space, communing with the dead, and laughing with him in his passing. He wasn’t here anymore, but he was chuckling as I was cussing at the number of duplicates there were of literally everything.

    As with so much of what we collectively did throughout the years, this was a labor of love. It was the practical housekeeping that should have been done for decades but the day-to-day business forbade it from ever happening. All in the space of a couple of months.

    At the same time I was performing this particular exorcism, I had to be the one to tidy up the last of the business concerns and prepare to close the doors to the public, so to speak. This involved a fire sale on everything not bolted down, and once I had taken up the bolts, all of that stuff too. For anyone who was a witness to this, it might have looked like I was a man possessed because I genuinely was.

    The businesses were dad’s pride and joy, but they were the crushing weight of reality to me. I looked at these backbreaking, life-stealing businesses and saw my future. It looked vaguely familiar to dad’s, including an abrupt end which was almost certainly caused by the thing he loved so much. I couldn’t get rid of all of this fast enough, and it was mine alone to deal with.

    Everyone had their opinions on what to do with everything. That ranged from like minds who said “none of this stuff matters” to those who would have had me keep every single rusty screw, the businesses, and the aforementioned crippling reality they held over me. But there was no negotiating with me. My task was set, and by the end of 2022, it was sufficiently completed.

    Like so much of life’s garbage, it went straight to the dumpster. The more I released, the more it released me, and I began to see a beautiful canvas upon which to work. It was only after several months of screaming at the walls and filling the dumpster that I could see the artistry that dad had to bury with over 30 years of operating a business. The care that was taken to put this whole building together, and the modern touches that the Sons in Wagoner & Sons forced into being.

    For 30 years of this building’s existence, it didn’t have a floor. The cobbler’s son had no shoes, and the concrete guy’s sons had a dirt fucking floor in their shop. By 2018 when I said “We aren’t negotiating, I’ve already ordered the concrete.” the floor was basically made of stone anyway since our crew had used it as a litter box for decades. But within a week’s time, between decision, execution, and drunken celebration, we had a floor. A red floor with a black patch because Josh got especially shit-faced and went haywire with the black cast-on color. He was a bit of a black sheep, so this was apropos.

    But we all did that together. It is a memory I can hold onto fondly for all my days. To see dad impressed by our resolve, and to help him get something he needed for all that time and just put it off to provide. This was a glimpse into the man. His comfort was not important when weighed against ours.

    Shortly after that, we invested in insulation for the roof and a garage heater, and suddenly we had a space that would stand the elements fairly well. It was still a filthy shop space, but I began to introduce elements of comfort to it in an effort to give dad a place to reset and relax after his long days. Then we got to work doing what we always did, pushing a boulder the size of the moon up a hill.

    Dad and I had finally reached a point where we understood one another as men and we both worked damn hard to achieve that goal. Naturally, it was shortly after this hard-fought ease that we lost him. But that bell had been rung, and we had no stones left to turn with one another. Peace was swift in the aftermath, and he helped me clean up his clutter with an unseen smile and his trademark silence.

    The walls of the Shop stand to this day as a testament to the man who put them there, and they’ll be brought to life by the only caretaker left to see to it. Dad always told me to do what I want to do, whatever makes me happy. 

    The Shop makes me happy because it will be whatever I want it to be, just like the man who built it.

    February 1, 2023
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Deviant Rambling

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