It is hard to explain and impossible to justify but I feel a strong sense of resentment welling up inside me. The target of this seems to be those that can’t defend themselves, and it feels irrational to even be feeling this in the first place.

I am resentful of my dad and my brother because they don’t have to be here to try and navigate any of the struggles of life. Their journey was cut short and it saved them potential years or even decades of having to continue to push boulders up mountains. But I’m still here at the base of the mountain with no desire to ever touch a boulder again.

The world has become increasingly hard for me to engage with, and I have all but stopped trying to understand it. People’s motivations seem chosen at random and based on whims, lacking any real depth or substance. They’ll spend their entire lives chasing after money to buy things they have been convinced will make them happy only to find out the pursuit and the desires are hollow.

There are too many dark corners in my mind right now, and I want to understand the source of this darkness so I can flush it out. It isn’t like me to feel so trampled for this long, but here I am, crushed by the reality of a world I don’t understand any more. I am not sure I ever understood it, though. I try to recall earlier times in my life where I did what other people did and it always felt forced, as though I was an actor of some out of control script.

I just want to be happy. I don’t want to live a normal life because it seems like normal people are sleepwalking through all of this. I am wide awake but paralyzed.